A couple of years ago, I interviewed my wife, Katy Koonce, about life as a genderqueer mommy. Many things have changed since that initial interview: our son is in third grade, and Katy’s gender presentation is ever-evolving. In honor of Mother’s Day, I decided to post an updated conversation about mothering in the middle.
Paige: These days, it seems like half the strangers you encounter read you as a man and the other half read you as a woman. That’s a pretty good match for your identity, but it’s awfully unpredictable. What is it like to live with that uncertainty?
Katy: You know, it’s mixed. It feels exciting and right, but it can also be really hard. The other day, I was in GNC shopping for vitamins, and the sales guy started calling me “sir.” Then, about half way through our interaction, he seemed to change his mind. Before I left, he actually asked whether the masculine terminology was correct. I loved that! I told him I was very comfortable with both and that he “couldn’t get it wrong.” Poor guy. I think it was like a “Pat” moment and he was left more confused than before. I kinda want to go back and interview him about what made him question his assumption and where he got the nerve to ask. Part of me feels responsible, like I should try to ease his discomfort. But I also want to reinforce that it’s okay to ask. Cuz that’s how I roll.
Paige: Our son is in third grade, which has been the threshold of greater self-consciousness about his family. You volunteer in his classroom every week. What’s it like being the indeterminately gendered parent in that setting? How do you navigate that?
Katy: Several weeks ago, one of Waylon’s classmates, whom I have known for a couple of years, yelled “Waylon, your dad is here!” It surprised me so much. “Dad” does not resonate with me. I am Mommy! Luckily, about half the class responded “that’s Waylon’s mom” in unison.
My approach to the elementary school setting is very specific to my personality. I am just plain old counter-phobic. I used to be afraid of heights, so I bungee jumped and skydived. At Waylon’s school, I often find myself being extra charming and behaving as if no one should be shocked when I casually mention that I am identified as transgender and then ask them if I can pick their kid up next week for a play date at our house.
Paige: Sometimes you say you feel tempted to transition simply because the pressure of staying in the middle is too much. When do you feel that most?
Katy: BATHROOMS! Also at the mall when they “sir” me the whole time and then, when I am giving them my money, they ask for my name and address so they can send me spam.
Paige: How has being a parent affected the way you inhabit your body?
Katy: In every way possible. Waylon likes to be on me. It appears I am very comfortable to “lay” on. (In Texas, we say “lay down.”) He likes to grab my belly and knead it. It can be a challenge, because I come from a fat phobic family and my belly has typically been a source of shame and discomfort. But I really feel that he loves every inch of my menopausal body, wrinkles and all. In response to this, I have felt shame just completely transform. I can’t say it’s completely gone, but it is different, no doubt about that.
Paige: What’s your favorite thing about being mommy?
Katy: Even in a room full of people who think I am a dude, it still makes me so happy to hear “mommy, mommy look!” I love the way he loves me. I love that he knows I am the mama bear that will protect him at all cost.
Paige: Hey, I’m the mama bear! You are the mommy bear. Step off my nomenclature!
Anything else you’d like to add?
Katy: Yes. Happy Mother’s Day to the best co-parent a girl/boy could ever ask for. You really are the best!
Paige: Happy Mother’s Day to you!
May 12, 2012 at 11:48 pm
Katy is one of the coolest people I know! I know I say this all the time, but I love your family and feel blessed knowing you all!
May 13, 2012 at 7:37 am
May 13, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I love you Julie! I had no idea you were writing a blog! I read almost all of it this morning. So great. Sad, happy, hopeful…I miss you.
May 13, 2012 at 8:28 am
Happy Mother’s Day to both of you!
May 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Happy mother’s day to you sweet Maya!
May 13, 2012 at 8:54 am
I continue to be impressed by all three of you and how effortlessly Paige shares it all with us. Happy mothers day!
May 13, 2012 at 9:25 am
I love and admire that you have chosen to stay in the middle. Happy Mother’s day to you both. -Eddie